My stroke through my son's eyes

Ryan's mom (Rebecca) and I found this letter stuffed in a drawer. Ryan never gave it to me.

I often wonder why I was given a second chance when they said for sure I was going to die.

I now know it was my wife and son’s love energy that called me back.

I can only remember that when I was offered the white gown to die and take the easy way out during my near death experience I was consumed with a love energy so strong for Ryan and Rebecca I just had to go back to them because they needed me.

Ryan and Rebecca are not just my son and wife, they are my best friends!

My son was 17 years old and in his graduate year of High School when I had my brain aneurysm. 

Ryan and I had a argument the morning my aneurysm exploded. 

We both regret this. 

Remember to always show loved ones your love, because today may be the last time you see them. Take it from me, your life and the life of your loved one is precious, a gift we must never take for granted. Because despite how mankind tries to minimize it, we are alive only for a short time on earth and we all must die. So give all you love an extra squeeze, tell them you love them and are grateful their in your life.

No matter who you are on planet earth, you are not promised tomorrow!

Think about it peeps!

I am typesetting this because it gives a rare look at stroke from a son’s perspective.

My son's heart broke after my stroke!

Ryan's letter,

Since you’ve been gone I stand alone in our empty home for without you all I am is doom and gloom.

The sound of your voice could fill the biggest room.

Without you dad I feel an emptiness and a monster resides in my chest. Consuming my world that was best.

Every time I open my eyes, I no longer see blue sky.

I see the dark cloud of emptiness looming overhead.

And when I look down, I no longer see the ground that once supported me.

It is the abyss of solitude that swallows me.

These are not all the things that follow me.

When I close my eyes, there is only you I see dad.

This picture of you caresses me, cares for me and loves me.

For it is you daddy, you are what I see.

Yet when I open my eyes all I see is the cloud of emptiness above and abyss below me.

For this I am scared. Petrified!

It is no longer money I seek, nor women or trucks.

There is only you dad.

Life does not go on without you, It becomes shrouded by darkness and frozen by the icy hands of sorrow, and bruised by the fists of pain.

This tragedy I hope to never see again, but I will for time stand still.

And by the embrace of false hope I have grown ill.

Now demented is the only way my eyes see.

For you dad do not stand strong beside me. You aren’t here to guide me.

When you dad, the valiant knight is what I need!

Dad you’re the one I turn to for reason and virtue.

Was it I who have hurt you? Is this all the fault of mine? Is this a Godly sign?

To turn my back on pride and the differences to focus on what can bring us together to weather the storm and because of you dad my heart is torn.

You dad are not the cause of this rant.

I am far too young and meager to become you.

But bring to me what of you that is possible to give to me.

I can not do this without you dad.

To live this life and endure this time, when I need to pinch every last dime.

I am falling with no calling. I am growing weary of such demand to be all this man I am not.

I wear a false sense of security and confidence while my truest demise remains inside.

Being forced to run from the fear that is consuming me.

Because the one person left in my life, your loving wife must never know the terrors facing me.

I disconnect from the realities of my own life every day so that fear does not get the best of me.

Mom is the true savior of my life. For she will sit and cry all alone, her heart turned to stone. Her world was you dad and her world is crashing down.

We are disasters without you daddy. The aftermath of a hurricane's, our lives destroyed reduced to rubble.

The harsh realities of life have burst our fragile bubble.

I can tell myself I am an army of one.

You have raised me well dad.

I am your son, the chosen one.

For you dad, are the King among God’s.

Aaron is the reason my world turns round and my love abounds.

When I look around I long to see you with me and I with you.

I must express to you my words of truth.

I have no clue how to be a man.

I long for you to tell me how to live, love, laugh and feel dad.

Too much of my perfect and easy life has become real.

The feeling burns down low, I have nowhere to turn to, nowhere to go daddy.

You are my hero.

I can only think of you dad in this dark and lonely path I now walk upon.

Dad, you’re my everything!

I thought, I am a man now that I’m independent, in truth, I am nothing more than a shaking mouse in a cold and shaking house.

Dad, come home soon for not only me, but for the women who loves you most, my mom, your wife.

Your life is her fire.

Please dad, don’t let her fire burn out for than mine will burn out also.

I love you dad.

Ryan Avila

October 25 2010

Note from Aaron,

While typing this, my heart broke and cried on and off during the whole thing!

I could not be more proud of my son Ryan Avila!

Ryan has become a man I respect!

I love Ryan and Rebecca with every fiber of my being!

You know, I often ask God why he gave me a second chance at life on planet earth? I now know it wasn’t for me, it was because my family loves and needs me! I was given a second chance for them!